Giving Myself Up

     I felt so safe with Captain. Now that I knew I could say anything to Him and He didn't treat me differently, conversation between us flowed freely.
     "So, basically, I'm called to conform to Your image; is that right?" I asked.
     "You are called to let me conform you to My image," He said gently.
     "When you split hairs like that, can you explain to me the difference, Captain? I mean sometimes I don't know where I end and you begin. It's really hard to know how to "let" you do it," I said confused.
     "Sure. That's easy. If you are trying to conform to My image, you are thinking, 'I need to act like Jesus' or 'Jesus doesn't act like that, I need to stop' or something like that. When you are letting me conform you to my image, you submit yourself to my working, and trust that I am doing it." He stated clearly.
     "Is that it?" I asked.
     "That's it," He said.
     "I know, but it's me you are working through, and don't I have more responsibility than that? I asked, questioning Him further. "If that's the case, I would just feel like a puppet on a string," I shared.



     "I see," He said.
      I didn't like when He said, 'I see,' and nothing else, I thought. It made me rethink what I had said, and I knew that was His intention. Well, I do feel like a puppet on a string, I thought, validating my own feelings privately to myself.
     Then He said, "And how does 'a puppet on a string' feel?"
     "Helpless," I succinctly replied with sadness.
     "Instead of labeling the feeling 'helpless' why not think of it as 'dependent and protected,' " He advised.
     "That is a new perspective,"I said without much thought. You mean when you are over me, and I have let you be, than I am dependent on You, and are then protected?" I restated to try and understand.
     "Exactly. When you let me be totally responsible for the work in you, then you are free to let My Life flow through you to others," He explained.
     "Can I ask you something?" I knew His answer, so I went on. "How do I let Your life flow through me?" I asked. "I never got that one." I stated.
     "Most of that happens when you are not even aware of what you are doing. When self-consciousness leaves, my Life flows," He said, laying things out for me.
     "Oh, my Lord and Captain. I have been so aware all of my life. I have been in the observation tower looking at what other people do, how they act, and myself also. How in the world will You get that out of me?" I asked desperately. "It's as if that is my mode of operation; my very DNA; the very fiber of my being!" I reiterated. "If I don't observe and analyze what is going on around me, including within myself, I will die for sure; I'll cease to be me; I won't recognize myself," I added.
     "Are you willing to die to live?" He asked, and told me not to answer then, but to think about it, and answer Him tomorrow.