Giving Myself Up

     I felt so safe with Captain. Now that I knew I could say anything to Him and He didn't treat me differently, conversation between us flowed freely.
     "So, basically, I'm called to conform to Your image; is that right?" I asked.
     "You are called to let me conform you to My image," He said gently.
     "When you split hairs like that, can you explain to me the difference, Captain? I mean sometimes I don't know where I end and you begin. It's really hard to know how to "let" you do it," I said confused.
     "Sure. That's easy. If you are trying to conform to My image, you are thinking, 'I need to act like Jesus' or 'Jesus doesn't act like that, I need to stop' or something like that. When you are letting me conform you to my image, you submit yourself to my working, and trust that I am doing it." He stated clearly.
     "Is that it?" I asked.
     "That's it," He said.
     "I know, but it's me you are working through, and don't I have more responsibility than that? I asked, questioning Him further. "If that's the case, I would just feel like a puppet on a string," I shared.



     "I see," He said.
      I didn't like when He said, 'I see,' and nothing else, I thought. It made me rethink what I had said, and I knew that was His intention. Well, I do feel like a puppet on a string, I thought, validating my own feelings privately to myself.
     Then He said, "And how does 'a puppet on a string' feel?"
     "Helpless," I succinctly replied with sadness.
     "Instead of labeling the feeling 'helpless' why not think of it as 'dependent and protected,' " He advised.
     "That is a new perspective,"I said without much thought. You mean when you are over me, and I have let you be, than I am dependent on You, and are then protected?" I restated to try and understand.
     "Exactly. When you let me be totally responsible for the work in you, then you are free to let My Life flow through you to others," He explained.
     "Can I ask you something?" I knew His answer, so I went on. "How do I let Your life flow through me?" I asked. "I never got that one." I stated.
     "Most of that happens when you are not even aware of what you are doing. When self-consciousness leaves, my Life flows," He said, laying things out for me.
     "Oh, my Lord and Captain. I have been so aware all of my life. I have been in the observation tower looking at what other people do, how they act, and myself also. How in the world will You get that out of me?" I asked desperately. "It's as if that is my mode of operation; my very DNA; the very fiber of my being!" I reiterated. "If I don't observe and analyze what is going on around me, including within myself, I will die for sure; I'll cease to be me; I won't recognize myself," I added.
     "Are you willing to die to live?" He asked, and told me not to answer then, but to think about it, and answer Him tomorrow.

Passing the Test of the Call

         Our conversation had ended strangely and left me wondering if I had come to the right conclusion or not.We had discussed me mopping floors of all things, and I had told Him that even if He tells me that is what He wants me to do for the rest of my life, then I would do it. But, there was a problem. I had surrendered to this "humble" task, but it really didn't reflect my feelings or beliefs at all. Could I have been trying to just appear "humble" in this self-professed allegiance to Him? (Kind of reminded me of Peter.) 
     Even though I might not have interpreted things rightly, though, it all ended with a wonderful time of dancing round and round together, laughing and looking into each other's eyes. I thought, "He sure is patient with my searching."
     After we whirled and twirled, I collapsed in His arms with a new sense of freedom in my heart and the loving acceptance of Captain enveloping me. Just then, something occurred to me, and I told Captain boldly, "I'm not made to mop floors."
     "No?" He said quizzically.
     "No, I'm not," I stated confidently.
     "Why do you say that?" He asked.
     "You put things in me-gifts, talents, abilities, passions and desires that surpass mopping! I said. Not to say that anything is wrong with mopping."
     "What about what you said, that mopping isn't glamorous and that was the reason why you didn't want to do it and that you would do whatever I asked, even if it was mopping? You also said that you would consider your husband in all of this. What do you say about that now?" He declared, holding me accountable to my words earlier.
     "I misjudged myself," I said.
     "Well, you do tend to do that," He stated.
     "You know me, Captain. I want You to give me the right answer," I said nervously.
     "You have been struggling with this way too long. You must lay it to rest," He quipped.
     "I want You to tell me," I said seriously.
     "Nope. You must cross this bridge and be confident in it yourself," He stated.
     "I keep telling you I'm a married woman, and it seems like the only call of woman who are married is to her husband," I said, waiting for His response.
     "Do you believe that?" He asked.
     Wanting to give the right answer, I hesitated. If it wasn't Captain, I would have thought it was a trick question. Oh, if only He would tell me, I thought. But I waited, and He just looked at me, waiting for me to speak.
     Finally, I said, "No, I don't believe that. I believe You can call a woman who is married in a different way than you call her husband."
     "Is that your final word?" He asked.
     "Yes, it is," I stated emphatically without guilt, knowing I would never revisit this again in my life.  
     " Well, go and do likewise," He said.
     "Are you talking in King James?" I said chuckling.
     "Thou sayest," He said rather royally.
     "Well, then I goest to fulfill Thou blessed call on my life, and right quickly," I retorted. With that statement He laughed more from the relief He knew I now felt, than from how I had said it.
    
   
    

The Bad and the Ugly

     "It's so much easier to want to help the ones who seem put together and helping themselves," I commented freely.
     "I understand, but my thoughts are not your thoughts," Captain stated.
     "But I want them to be. I want to see as You see," I shared.
     "Then you will see beauty for ashes and what someone can be in Me, and not what they currently are," He revealed.
    "So, it's kind of like not seeing what is there, but seeing what is not there?" I asked.
   "Or like seeing what is not there as being truth, which is different," He restated.
     "Hmmm....I'll have to chew on that one," I stated.
     " Well don't chew with your mind. If you do, you'll never be able to get it. Not by might, not by power, but by My Spirit," He said. "Were you thinking about the young man on the island?" He asked.
     "Yes, I was, Captain. I was thinking that I didn't know whether I have what it takes to reach out to someone who is so sad and angry. I don't know what hurts he's had to make him that way, and I don't know what's going on in his head; what he's thinking and that scares me."
     "It is true you do not have what it takes, within yourself, but it boils down to whether you trust Me to empower you or not, not with your power or strength, but with mine. If you can't trust that, it's better that you don't reach out to him. Also, if you are fearful of what is going on in his head, you will never be able to love him freely. There will always be that hesitation to hold back. Again, you must trust Me with all the unknowns as you minister in My Name. Look at it like this: I want to love him and help him and heal him. Will you let me do it through you? That is the question. I know that to answer "yes" you will have to trust Me with Yourself. That is really the bottom line," He stated clearly.
     "Captain, you make it so plain and I thank you for that," I said.
     Captain smiled, knowing I was coming along nicely according to His plan, and it brought Him great joy.

Remembering his Sadness

     As I sat in a dream-like state up on the deck thinking about how much Captain loves and cares for me, my mind went immediately to one young man who I saw recently on the island. I saw his angry and unhappy face. The others seemed happy and carefree, while this one was not, and so he stood out. Suddenly, I felt compassion towards him, and his sadness was making me sad.
     Captain quietly approached me, as I sat, and He sat down next to me. Sensing His presence, I looked to my right, so I could see His face. It, too, seemed sad and forlorn, so I was wondering what He was thinking.
     "What's wrong?" I asked him point-blank.
     "I am feeling for that young man we saw on the island. I love him so," He said, "but he is afraid to trust me."
     "I was feeling those same things, Captain. How can that be?" I asked ignorantly.
     "We are becoming one. When you receive my love, then you desire for others to receive that same love, and want to give it out. Our eyes begin to see the same things in others, and our hearts want to pour it out to them; especially to the ones who need it the most, like this young man," He explained.
     "So, what do I do, Captain?" I said. "We left the island, and I'm here now."
     "But my Spirit is everywhere," He said giving me a hint.
     "Well, then, could You go to him and minister Your grace and love by opening his heart?" I asked.
     "I was waiting for you to ask," He stated happily.
      "Just like that?" I asked sincerely.
      "The beginning of others receiving me, is for someone who knows Me, to ask Me to move on the inside of them, so their hearts can be made ready to receive Me," He said. "I begin to plow their hard hearts."
     "What next?" I asked.
     " I will direct you, as you stay open to Me," He said.
     "Captain, you have the words of eternal Life. To who else would I go?" I said with resolve and trust, waiting in anticipation for how He would direct me next.  

Sail on, Captain!!

     Feeling alive today, and desiring to be used; to have a purpose and meaning!!! I'll go ask Captain what He would like me to do.
     I found Him sailing dutifully and confidently at the helm, as I sought Him. Smiling as He saw me coming, I approached Him with boldness, knowing of His great love.
     "What would you have me do?" I asked Him.
     "Put your hand on Mine, and steer with me," He said.
     I thought this an unusual request, but did it anyway, and when I did, something happened inside of me. I felt strong as we  forged ahead by His power. A focused sense of direction pulsed through my being.
     "Captain, I don't want to take control again," I stated.
     "Oh, you aren't. I am steering, and you are aligning yourself with that, as you put your hand on mine. There is a difference between you steering and you wanting me to back you up, and this," He explained.
     "That is good, as I am afraid of my own control," I said.
     "As you should be. It has taken you down paths of confusion and fear," He stated all-knowingly.
     "Yes, I know. Until I came on this journey with You only , I tried to listen to You, my love, and myself and satisfy all 3 of us at the same time, but it didn't work," I said sadly at how futile that now sounded.
     "And now?" He asked.
     "Now, I want only You to steer, and me to follow that leading," I answered with confidence.
     "And what about your love?" He asked further.
     "You first-period. And out of that, I can follow him," I now stated with understanding and sureness.
     "You have learned a great deal, my daughter," He said with joy in His heart, as He knew that if I would keep this order in my life, true peace would be mine.

The Meaning of My Pain

     Something has attacked my body, and healing has seemed to flee. If love heals, then what does all this mean? That Captain does not love me anymore?
     I ran up to see that He was still there steering the ship, and didn't find him. Panicked I started to cry. Then, I needed to find Him, so I ran around searching in all the rooms, and there I found Him sleeping below.

   "Wake up, Captain," I said. "I am sick, and how will the ship sail without You?"

     "Wait a minute," He replied. "I am here; never to leave," He assured me. "The ship is sailing on course."
     "But what about me?" I asked. "Why am I sick? Yesterday I rejoiced in my healing, and felt so close to You. It was because I knew that you loved me, that I was healed. Don't you love me anymore?" I desperately asked. "What happened? Did I do something wrong? Are you punishing me?"
     "Oh, you must have faith in Me and My love for you, little one," He said.
     With that comment, I began to cry, feeling guilty of the thoughts I had expressed to Him. Of course, He loves me. I knew that, but because I felt badly, I make accusations that I didn't really mean or feel.
     Suddenly, I realized why I was feeling this pain.   Yesterday I had thoughts of people who lived in pain, and because I had been healed, I was judging them without mercy and compassion. Now, here I was in pain, and I was able to see how it feels, and how we can sometimes make false judgments towards Captain when we experience pain. Pain lies, and makes us weak and do things we don't really mean or believe.
     "Oh, Captain. I understand now. You are letting me have this pain, so that I can have compassion on others who also have it," I said.
     "Yes, my child," He said. "You have spoken truth."
     "What can I do to help them?" I asked.
     "Love them, pray for them, and show compassion towards them," He said.
     "Is that all?" I said.
     "Yes, that helps the soul heal," He said. "Sometimes that is more helpful than physical healing."
     With that, I kissed him on the forehead and went up on the deck to think.  Yes, when someone shows concern and care for me it does feel like love, and is a healing balm to my soul. Captain was telling me to do likewise and with that both people are touched. He is so wise and loving, I thought.

A Time to Heal

     Yesterday was a rough day because my body was full of pain. I laid around mostly in and out of bed, just waiting to be healed. The more I recollected Captain's loving look into my eyes the other day, the more I trusted that He would surely bring His healing. In fact, the Spirit had told me that it was His love which brought my healing. I knew it would come, but didn't know when. So, I just waited.

     This morning I woke up, and healing had come!!! As I stood out on the deck, my hair blowing in the wind, I realized that I didn't hurt anymore. The time had come to be healed. His timing full of wisdom! I ran up to Captain, at the helm, and fell down at His feet in praise, to which He lifted my head to gaze into my eyes. It seemed He was touched by my being touched my Him.

     I smiled at Him and He at me. At that moment, we were One. Him in me, and I in Him. Where did He begin? Where did I end? This holy synergy was mesmerizing and captivating me.







     I realized in that moment that it was necessary for me to wait on Him to be healed, in order for me to now experience this moment to the degree that I was. If I had been healed before, I wouldn't have cherished it so much. Only after experiencing pain sometimes, can we truly value not having it. Captain knows each one of us so intimately that He alone bring His healing at the exact place in time to get  the supreme effect He desires it to have.

     And now, was my time. Time to fall in love with Him more deeply and time to trust Him more fully. It was happening because of the moment He has chosen. This love He was instilling in me would carry me through, with or without my love. That is why He took me on this journey; to heal me body, soul and spirit. 





The Power of Love

     Today was kind of a strange day. After looking into Captain's eyes, and going to bed, I woke up feeling rather badly. My back and legs ached, and it felt like something was sitting on my chest. I didn't know what it was, but perhaps it was my body getting used to being back on the boat. Since we had served on the island for those 2 weeks, I hadn't realized the toll it took on me until now. So, I rested most of the day, not really feeling motivated to do anything.
     I could, however, see my love's ship far off, and felt comfort in knowing he was abiding near. I went into the galley to get something to eat, but found myself just grabbing at what was available whether it was good for me or not. So, later, my stomach suffered. I felt sad I had chosen poorly then. I really needed to eat right to help me get well.
     Captain kept sailing on the smooth seas. Today, however, it was overcast and seemed to add to my sickness and down feelings. So, after I ate, I went back to bed, hoping that when I woke up, all would be well. I lay awake for awhile thinking about the look in His eyes yesterday, and just imagining this was starting to make me feel better already.
     "Love heals," I heard the Spirit say to me. "It is the atmosphere I work in that makes all things new." I pondered this, and then saw the importance of me continuing to open my heart, not only to receive, but to give Love, and how Captain uses that to bring about His healing.  With those beautiful and life-giving truths resting in my soul, I peacefully went off to sleep once again.





Just One Look

     As I walked up the stairs to where Captain was, I was thinking about what I would talk to Him about. When I got next to Him, He turned His head from the seas and looked into my face, lovingly. He really loves me, I thought. Wonder why? What does He see in me? I desired to see what He saw, and then maybe I could love myself.
     "Look into His eyes," His Spirit seemed to say. So, right then and there, I purposely did that. When I did, love flowed out. I fixed my gaze on His face and just stared. I was trying to "see myself" in His eyes, and I did. The reflection of me shined like a diamond. I was beautiful, in His sight! I wanted to remain there forever, but then suddenly the ship slammed into a big wave, and I was forced to look away and catch my balance on the bannister beside me. Using my peripheral vision, I saw Captain still looking at me, though. He didn't take His eyes off me!





     Even when I looked away to try and keep myself from falling, He was watching, as if He was protecting me with His gaze. Throughout my life, He had reminded me that He has been watching me like a little sparrow, even when I was trying to save myself or when I wasn't aware of it.
     Now, what could I say to Him? There was nothing, because just looking in His eyes brought all the comfort and love I needed. I kissed Him on the cheek, with my eyes full of tears because of His love for me, and quietly slipped down the stairs. Feeling dreamy now, I went to the lower berth where my bed was, and peacefully went to sleep, feeling full of His love and grace.

The Earth Realm

     Since we've left the island, I haven't wanted to do much except sit and stare into the sea around me. My activities there were so fulfilling and meaningful, I am experiencing a kind of let down as the ship goes methodically up and down. It reminds me of the dull routines of life, with a distinct, yet predictable pattern.



     My mind wanders wondering what my love is doing while on ship with Captain. He is probably busy doing maintenance work, or anything his hand can find to do, because I know he likes to have something to do at all times. I wonder if he is thinking of me, or if he has? It would feel good to be missed.
     Captain is extra quiet today. He seems to be standing back from me, as if He wants me to hear his voice in the wind. I listen for awhile. He is telling me that I am transitioning to the earth, as I've been in heavenly  places when on the island, and that I don't need to worry. He is telling me that He will help me find my place again.
     I'm wondering if I want to find my place, or even if I like being in the earthly realm again. It seems so dry here. So dull. So dead. But, if I have to be here, then I will accept it as Captain's desire for me now.
     So, rock back and forth I go, as the ship goes who knows where. The only consolation is that Captain is here with me. I think I'll go up and talk to Him, as I need to hear His comforting words, and see Him face to face. 

Good to Be Apart

     It's been 2 weeks since I 've seen my love. Captain and I anchored on a far away island to be a blessing to the people there. Although I was able to function without my love, due to Captain's help, I frequently thought of my love with endearment and prayer. Captain's love for me helped me cherish my own love even more as I looked forward to seeing him again as we sailed out to sea.



     It was good to be apart, Captain had told me when we were there giving out to others on the island. I never thought I would see the day that I would agree that to be apart from the one who held my affections was a good thing, but Captain had helped me realize that. He showed me that I couldn't develop fully if I was always with my love; that there was a lack of freedom when I was in that position that would hold me back. Not that my love held me back, but I did it myself when in his presence. I projected onto him a control that didn't even exist. Captain had said that I needed to see myself operating without him, so that I could freely operate with him when reunited.
     Pondering all of this, as we sailed away, I could now begin to see why I had to be alone with Captain, and learn how to function freely before I could connect with my true love. Dependency to my love had to be severed before beautiful harmony could result. Oh, Captain, let it be!!!